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Doctoral Dissertation

2022

January 17, 2022:  Update
    So I am now officially Rev. Dr. Denver NeVaar.  The hope is that this will be a major game-changer for me, but for now it’s still a time of waiting, to see who will sufficiently appreciate this accomplishment to extend new opportunities and resources in my direction.  In the meantime, there are several ambitious video projects and a couple of book manuscripts in process.  Perhaps it’s just as well, considering how insane the world has become in its responses to threats from public media and politicians and the verifiable uncertainty of the information and responses thereby offered.  My personal guess is that threats are 70% scam and only 30% truth, but I have had close friends included within the smaller percentage--and percentages mean nothing if one happens to be among the relatively small number of persons directly affected.  I remain nonetheless outraged at the abuses of power this generation of public hysteria is facilitating, enabled by the unwillingness of the majority of the population to say or do anything in opposition.  It is not a new observation and one that has been repeated by many, that “all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good to do nothing.”   So I persist in doing whatever I can.  Humanity must ultimately remember that it is far more important to create high-quality lives than to merely earn a living by sacrificing virtues and qualities that should never be sacrificed.  It is not so much that future generations will judge us, but rather that we judge ourselves by what we say and do.  The fact of evil, however, will never be sufficient reason for not doing what we can, nor will it ever prevent wisdom and love from ultimately being victorious.  

February 15, 2022:  Possible pearls
    Why must there perpetually be bigots and bullies (of all descriptions), to which it appears no individual is immune, yet of such diversity that no single answer will put an end to them?  I strive to remember that they too are individuals with particular stories and specific unresolved mental and emotional wounds, but without knowing their stories, I am powerless to transform their violent expressions.  I try to stay out of the line of fire, but am not always successful.  Does my pain accomplish anything, for them or for me?  Are such experiences actually necessary to comprehension of compassion?  
    I wonder if that might be so, considering how lacking in compassion persons met within past periods of time were, who had also known relatively trouble-free lives.  Perhaps there is something about trouble and pain that forges enduring relationships--or at least has the ability to do so.  There have equally been encounters with those who never rose above their pain, but instead allowed such momentary experiences to define every moment of life that followed.  
    So I strive to remember that life is an incomprehensibly populated sequence of moments, each potentially unique and absolutely available to whatever personal investments I make.  I strive to have faith that Godde is real and loves me in a way that only makes sense from a divine perspective.  At times, I wonder whether those who insist on divine non-existence might be right.  At other moments, I am absolutely certain they are wrong.  
    I recall the witticism that “the pearl is the oyster’s biography,” and can only hope that will be true of me as well--in which case the moments of my life are poised to create a virtually infinite quantity of pearls.  

February 22, 2022:  The lingering night
    How puzzling to wait in darkness for dawn, certain it will come, but such certainty does little to make the time pass any more quickly.  How often I have heard others describe life as good, but to me it has never seemed so, shifting from one oppressive set of circumstances to the next.  In defiance of such a backdrop, however, sparkling moments continue to occur--almost miraculously, it seems, but randomly and unpredictably.  
    Nonetheless, it is the possibility of such that persuades of perseverance, to avoid the risk of abandoning presence five minutes before any break-through or miracle might occur.  Always the future holds infinite possibility and the spiritual is far more enduring than the material, but in spite of being so valuable is rarely valued.  Without which, life’s forward march through time abruptly halts.
    I look in a mirror and find that in spite of being told the opposite for literally decades of early development, there’s a chance that I too may be valuable if also seldom valued.  Labeling myself “handsome” seems too much and I sometimes smirk that “I couldn’t be that good if no one wants me,” but there have been a few who were thankful that I continue to find space within the world, even if the particular contexts were saturated in unmet needs.  I persist that if a tombstone is raised for me, it should read, “I would have created so much more, if I hadn’t spent so much time and energy merely fighting for survival.”  
    As objective and honest as such descriptions may be, continuous learning, growth, and living depend instead upon reaching for the positive possibilities that have persistently danced just beyond the tips of my fingers.  So I choose to remain in faith--that good will ultimately be rewarded, that I will never regret being true to myself, and that, in time, the world will understand what I persistently try to give--without expecting anything in return--simply because of who I am.  
    I give thanks for the blessings to come and pray for the strength to endure until they arrive.   

March 14, 2022:  Waiting Between
    I have long contended with being valuable but insufficiently valued; striving to persistently have faith in positive developments I have been assured are coming, but which have yet to manifest.  It is difficult to express the chronic psychological pain of the current time--having vision, yet required to live within severely limiting circumstances that additionally discourage anything positive from occurring.  
    Yet none of this is the measure of myself or of my life.  What remains most essential is simply the lingering question, “What sort of person will you show yourself to be?”  My responsive lament is often that of how much one can demonstrate, using only inadequate resources.  
    Part of essential resources, however, are essential symbiotic relationships.  A most difficult focus within that, is finding persons with sufficient vision and faith to strive for love and wisdom within a world that increasingly leans in the opposite direction.  I would nonetheless rather be the last person striving for such things, than be one more individual who settled for less.  I can only hope that Godde will at some point reward my efforts, as well as guiding their further expression and development.  

April 18, 2022:  The Uncertainty of Mortality
    Gawain
may have cancer and some very expensive alternative treatments may be effective in extending his life, but he is already nine years old, so I’m not certain how much longer he’s going to live anyway.  Obviously, I’m thankful for every moment with him that I get.  In all honesty, my life is no more certain, from one day to the next either.  
    The challenge is making each moment count, but that’s difficult to do when resources are minimal at best.  Yet within each moment is the opportunity to most truthfully show who I most truthfully am.